To The League,
Ancestors’ Hairy Balls!
The week we’ve had! I mean, it’s not like there weren’t some good bits, but damn if they wasn’t interspersed with a heavy dosin’ of Shit, shit, and more shit! (pardon the language).
Anyway, things started out nice enough, two whole days of nuthin’ but blue skies (well, grey, actually, kinda colorless, but clear!) an’ smooth ridin’ bumpy roads notwithstandin’. Our third day out, and really the first day in the Wastelands we were settin’ out to explore and wouldn’t ya know it? WE get hit by frakkin’ Raiders!
Them sumbitches came tearin’ in on us in junkers and on bikes whoopin’ and hollerin’ like idjuts and generally firing in every direction with almost no sense. We took care of ‘em right quick with a couple grenades and some well-placed shots. Oh and that Cat-man walloped one with the five-ton! Don’ worry none, she’s fine. Heh…. But the raider he hit sure ain’t.
Giz got one too, damnedest thing I ever saw. He popped his emergency and flipped that truck around at full speed, and somehow managed to play out his tow-cable. Hit the bike comin’ up on him like a wrecking ball and sent that bastard flying in six diff’r’nt directions!
We called it a day after the scuffle, and salvaged what we could from the raiders, mostly bullets and spare parts, nuthin’ much interstin’.
Camp that night we got hit by ghouls. Frakkin’ sumbitches! Dern things came tearin’ out of the dark and hit us with our pants down. Swarmed us. Our Bard, Johann, the Fanger, he woulda got his ass kilt if it weren’t fer Kit. That wily fox-man hit a group of ‘em with a grenade that near ta did ’em in, and leapt a rock to swipe one’s hand off afore it could tear out Johann’s throat. Never seen someone swing a vibe like that ’fore.
The whole thing only lasted a couple minutes and then we went t’ sleep. Rest of the night was pretty uneventful. Same for the next day. We made good progress, explorin’ our way up the old mainline Highway running north through the wasteland, figgerin’ havin’ that baseline’d be a good place to start from.
Next night was all uneventful like, too, but that was a damn ruse. We get up in the morning to the worst surprise ever. Sweets had gone insane and was tryin’ ta eat Yang! Like right in the cab of the damn Fueler!
Luckily she bailed out and started whuppin’ on that sumbitch, and a couple others joined in. Most of us just stood in dumb shock, some, Giz I think, was screamin’ for the fightin’ to stop so we could figger out what the hell was goin’ on, but that damn sweets wasn’t havin’ none of it. Tore a nice chunk right outta Yang’s neck!
That’s when Kip and Yang took the gloves off and blasted him good. Damnedest and most horrifying thing I ever saw. He screamed and it weren’t no human scream. Like some kinda deranged animal. And his blood was black as tar, but with a kinda blue milky shine to it.
We all freaked the hell out, thinkin’ it was ghoul fever, that Sweets had maybe got bit when we didn’t see or somethin’. Then the damn thing died, from one of the shots, or from L’sar’s claws, not sure which.
It curled up and kinda deflated. That’s when we realized it weren’t no damn Sweets. It was a damn Grey! Those Doppler bastards! Kip identified it, from the blood and the body, once we weren’t all freakin’ out on account of the thing wearin’ Sweets’ face and tryin’ to kill someone.
We did some searchin’ and found some tracks. The Gang, as I’ve taken to callin’ ‘em now. Giz, Yang, Kit, and L’sar headed off, followin’ them tracks, determined to find Sweets or avenge him. They told me they ran into a nest a’ mutant cannibals livin’ in some tunnels not far from where we camped.
Kit took a tumble down some pit-traps, and everyone got real banged up fighting something they called Mud Giants. They said they were some 9 feet tall and had claws as big as sickles. Them giants were with Mongrelmen, and they were all feedin’ off o’ anyone they could catch.
The gang killed ‘em all, and brought back Sweets. They hadn’t ate him yet. They also found a beat up and near-dead Giantkin tribal that had been huntin’ and fell into one of the sickos’ pit traps. We patched him up and took him in. He seems like a decent sort. Good hunter, quiet. Keeps to himself mostly.
We spent the rest of the day recuperatin’s and keepin’ watch while Doc patched up the Gang and our new recruit. Then we headed on down the road. We found two places where you can get fresh water out here, and I sent the locations back t’ y’all, so anyone followin’ on can use ‘em if they need to. One’s a spring!
About day five, we ran into another spot of trouble. Well, I use the term ‘trouble’ lightly. Or mebbe in jest. It was definitely trouble but at least half our own makin’. See as we got to the bend in the river we found an old bridge goin’ across, that was fine and intact miraculously, but the trouble was down by the water.
The Gang, well Yang, more to the point, spotted a Anky-lo-sar-us. Don’ know how ya spell it. Anyway some big damn lizard that Kit and doc both agreed was a dinosaur, with big-ass diamond shaped plates on it’s back and a spiked morning-star tail. There were three of ‘em, two adults and a baby. The Gang thought it would be great to go try some big-game huntin’ and get some tasty vittles. I agreed.
Boy was that a mistake. That daddy Anky-lo-whatsit spotted ‘em right off and charged faster than a truck! And with about the same effect. It ran poor Giz right down despite him poppin’ it in the flank with his hand-cannon and hit his truck so hard it flipped. The Gang went berserk, throwin’ everything they had at it! Bullets were just bouncin’ off it’s thick-ass hide. It took three grenades and a lucky heart-shot from Yang to bring that big old lizard down.
Then momma came and she was even angrier. But by that time they’d gotten an idea how to handle the big lunks and just ran her around in circles pepperin’ her with grenades and shots. Still managed to send L’sar and Yang flyin’ before droppin’.
Doc got down there right quick and found the Gang standing around the remnants of what looked like a dead Giz. Doc knew better, though,and scooped him up, shut up his split belly and popped his eye back in, then pumped him full of nutrients until Giz was able to start healin’ on his own.
Still took a good two days before he was fully himself again. Been a long time since I saw Giz that pale. But we got two Dinosaurs worth o’ meat and leather and them bony plates! We let the little ’un go. We reinforced the five-ton with some of the leather, and the Fueler with the plates. Good thing too.
Not a day’s ride out from there, just as we crossed the river we got chased by a Tyrannosaurus Rex. This one doc and Kit BOTH agreed on (there was some disagreement about the Ankylo-whatsits, Doc says they’re Stego-somethings) and it damn-near kilt us. Wrecked half our vehicles, running us down and attacking the trucks like they were animals it was tryin’ t’ eat! We figgered out that we could outrun it if we were careful, and eventually ran it to exhaustion and killed it. More meat. And you should see the TEETH this thing had!
After that we ran into a wall. Like a HUGE wall. Miles and miles long, stretchin’ from the river to the Ancients only know where. It completely blocked the road. L’sar and Kit and Yang went to check it out, but got tore up by a sentry gun. Kip did a disappearing act and managed to get to the pillbox on top with the gun and hack his way inside. He got the gun off and we stripped her out. Then we got the ‘gate’ in the wall open and were able to move on.
Next morning we got hit by micro-meteorites. Damn firebrands fallin’ from the sky! Doc’s weather sattelite picked ’em up in time for us to dive into our trucks for cover, but they rained hell on those poor things. Took us half a day to get road-worthy again, and we were still pretty beat up. Plus, we were damn-near outta fuel.
We coasted into a settlement some Halfling Caraveneers had told us about (we met them earlier, fergot ta mention them) Nice lot. Nomads. We traded stories. They said they were comin’ to try an’ trade with the fable Golden City. Oh boy are they gonna be surprised when they meet you guys!
Anyway, we got to the settlement they mentioned, barely. What a sight! It was these three giant mounds of salvage and a HUGE hole in the ground. It was run by rats that keep ants as pets. Damn strange but it works real well for ’em.
Best of all, this was a trade city! They had a whole system and everythin’! I got a more detailed report on that for ye comin’ from Doc. Should be ready tomorrow. Anyway, they’re real civilized, but diff’r’nt. All Matriarchal so Doc says. Whatever that means. There were plenty of men rats, i saw. Best of all, they got loads and loads of Gas! Methane! They MINE it from that huge hole in the ground, and they grow diesel!
We got filled up, rubbed elbows with the locals, celebrated our first successful week and made a new friend!. There was this guy there, some feller named Lucas Strife that’s like a wizard or somethin’. Calls himself an ‘Arcanist’ whatever that means. But he’s damn good with gadgets. I saw what he did for L’sar.
And he ‘might’ have heard us talkin’ about some ancient road Yang FEROGT TA TELL US ABOUT FOR TWO WHOLE DAYS!
He told us about this secret mine that may or may not exist. He said he’d like to sign on with us, and I figgered it was worth havin’ someone that knew a little magic. Plus he knew the area better than most of us, and was friendly with the locals.
I gave him a provisional commission in the League, pending approval by you all, yadda yadda. He don’t care. He’s just happy to have someone to talk to about his gizmos and gewgaws and will work for a share in what we find, which is fine by me.
Tell you what though, we’d be stupid not to recruit this fella, he’s got balls and smarts. And like I said, he’s some kinda wizard. He can make stuff that even I’m scratchin’ my head about. Knows his way around a smith!
We’re heading out tomorrow, back south toward the wall to do some more scouting in that area, then to that road I think. Will update you next week.
Transcribed as Spoken